I keep holding on

Well, the show I really really wanted in cast mostly people from NY.

The other show I haven’t heard back from, yet, but since 1400 people auditioned I *highly* doubt I will hear back.

I have been sick for the past two weeks…got a virus or something that gave me a respiratory and ear infection.  I didn’t go to the doctor but just took meds and rested and then I gave it to my boyfriend.  Poor us!  He’s still sicker than me because I’ve had longer with it.  I’m not nearly as bad now.  I’m pretty mad because I was on this great workout and diet regimen, and this just knocked the horse out from under me, so to speak.

So I haven’t weighed, but I’m sure I’ve gained weight.  I just look flabbier.  Yikes.  I even shot a film on two weekends, with those two sick weeks in between.  We’ll see if I look different in those different takes.  Ha!

This blog feels like home, for the moment.  I haven’t had a blog *home* since the makers of Xanga turned swindlers.  I seriously think they took a community down to the bottom of ocean with them on the promise of making things *better*.  After a year of no updates, taking peoples money and destroying a thriving community they say “oh, we’re still going to reopen the site.  Just give us time”.  So sad.  It was one of the only internet communities with staying power.  I was on there for 9 years!

I have another audition on Saturday.  Not going into details.  Not gonna jinx myself.  I don’t even care that much at the moment, but I do sometimes so I will just keep it under my hat.  Maybe a miracle will happen.

I know someone in the miracle business.  😉

I wish I had happier news

Life for actors is a roller coaster.

You go highs and lows, and every nuance in between.  The past 6 months for me have been nothing but lows.  I was expecting for the world to embrace me with open arms.  I was expecting my talent and my effort to be acknowledged, honored, or at least noticed.  Instead what has happened has been like a slap in the face.

It started with the first audition.  I had busted by butt, lost weight, gotten toned, practiced dancing and singing, and freaking MOVED TO UTAH.  I danced really well at the dance call.  And I didn’t even get a callback.  Nothing.  Not invited to sing.

This was a blow to my gut.  I hadn’t expected to not even be considered.  This is technically a community theatre, although they pay.  Okay, I thought…the next one.  And the next audition came and went.  And the next, and the next.  I got an agent.  I couldn’t get them to send me out if I had come in naked.  Auditions came and went.  I started getting my own auditions.  Scouring the internet for postings.  I auditioned for A Streetcar Named Desire (role I did professionally in March.)  Not even a callback.  NOTHING.  I saw roles going to girls who weren’t at the auditions.  Girls much bigger than me.  Girls who couldn’t sing as well.  I just didn’t understand.

And I still don’t.  Seriously.  Not just saying that.  I know this is a giant game, but it has kicked my butt.  I feel very defeated.  The last audition I did, the one I swore I had in the bag…they were double casting 5 girls ensemble parts.  So they needed 10.  The music director told me straight up in front of everyone that I was delightful and amazingly talented.  I went home to Texas for Christmas just waiting for the phone to ring.

Nothing.

And then I checked the cast list.  They took 9 girls.

You figure it out.  I certainly can’t.  I’m reeling.  I’m depressed.  I’m really struggling with my eating.  I’m in bed.  I’m worried, anxious, and I don’t really want to subject myself to it anymore.  I’ve also been the victim tossed about in a sea of family cruelty by my boyfriend’s son.  I won’t go into it, but it’s really made life a LOT harder.

In 2015 I’ll be refocusing as I always do.  It hasn’t been horrible, but it definitely has been “the year of the loser” for me.

25 auditions.  25 rejections.  Tell me I’ll hear “yes”, soon?

Dead ends of the year

Well, I didn’t get it.

Again,
and again,
and again.

I’m actually quite pissed at God right now.  People have told me I shouldn’t be.  But I can’t help how I feel.  And I’m angry.

He gave me this talent and as of right now I have no way of expressing it.  It’s like a bottle rocket about to explode and kill me.

I have cried and thought.  I was waiting to hear and I just didn’t hear…so I poked around.   I honestly thought I had it this time.  I sang really well.  The music director even told me how delightful and talented I was, in front of everyone.  And I still didn’t get it.  Unfortunately, the dance part was without a mirror, and I was in the back, and my dyslexia sometimes kicks in in dance auditions.  And of course I was in the first group.  I messed up the steps, but I am a good dancer.  Honest I am.  Ugh.

I don’t have much else to say.  I have gone a year now without getting cast in anything new.  And I’ve tried more this year than I ever have before.  My Facebook friends are sharing a meme that asks you to list your top 5 dream roles.  All this does is make me so sad.  My dream role is just to be cast in something, again.

Maybe God will come through at the 11th hour?  Don’t I still have faith that he does that kind of thing?

Is it just holding out false hope?

Really, being cast in this was the only thing I wanted for Christmas.

Fingers Crossed

So it seems that things are looking up…if just ever so slightly.

My 23rd and 25th auditions I got a callback for both.  One was an LDS film project that my agent sent me to.  My very first film callback 🙂

I didn’t get it, obviously.  But I felt I did well, so it’s a positive.

(I’m not LDS, Latter-Day-Saint, Mormon, by the way.  Being that this is Salt Lake City, Utah, that’s a good chunk of the film jobs here).

The other one is a callback for a musical.  I don’t want to write too much because I’m really trying to not get my hopes up.  But it went well and I got some public praise from the music director.  I screwed up the dance, which is normal for me.  I usually do really well in the learning part and then botch it when it’s a small group, which is exactly what happened.  Ah, well.

It might be as long as Wednesday before I’ll know about this show.  I really, really, really hope I get it.  I’ll be going home for Christmas on Tuesday and rehearsals would start when I get back.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me.

My list

I have a list.  It’s not a happy list, or a list of things to do.  It’s a running tally of the number of rejections I’ve had since I’ve been in Utah.  I’m up to 20.  TWENTY.  I’m not including submissions to auditions where I sent in a headshot/resume and never heard back.  I’m only listing auditions where I put on my cute dress and high heels and curled my hair and put unnatural things on my face and lashes and walked into an audition and sang or acted or danced for strangers.  And wasn’t even called back.  Yep, that’s right.  Not even ONE lousy callback since I’ve been in Utah this year.

I used to think I was talented.  Not because I won a talent show or something.  I have a college degree in singing.  I have had the lead in something like 15 shows in Texas.  I was on a National Tour of a show last year…where I sang and acted and did a tap duet with a live band in so many towns across the country.  I’ve sung in Carnegie Hall.  I’ve been on tour with choirs to The UK and Italy.  I’ve been a paid singer at a nice little church for over 3 years.  I’m not new to this business.

So what’s changed?  Am I too old?  Did I suddenly get less talented?  Did I get ugly or fat?  Are people in Texas just delusional to talent?  Or are Utah directors blind?  Something is up.

Should I just quit?

These thoughts go through my head almost every day.
I cry myself to sleep sometimes.

I had made a rule that my time was too valuable to work for free.  But my confidence has gotten so crushed that I broke my rule and auditioned for community theatre.  And I still didn’t get a call back.

I must have “kick me” written on my back.

Someone help me before I give up.

A slight dusting of snow

These days seem like I could laze on in them forever.

I feel like we are chasing the cold – that first thrill that happens every year when it dips below 32 degrees and we keep checking the weather forecast for even a hint of snow.  It did snow yesterday.  I sat in bed and watched the flimsy flakes make their way past my window and I couldn’t help but smile.  This is what I love.  This time.  It seems like my days are busy with laziness.  I get a few things done, but my heart is singing and dancing elsewhere.

I visited an Orthodox church on Sunday.  I got to see a baptism.  I really enjoyed it, thought it involved standing up for about 2 hours.  That was a bit more than I’m used to.

Then a guy died, so I thought.  He had a heart attack or a stroke or something and was slumped down, and they put him on his back on the floor and lots of commotion was going on.  The priest ran from where he was and said some sort of prayers over him.  It was too much for me, especially my first time somewhere.  So I left.

I feel a bit lost and drifting.  Someone dying or almost dying at church seems a little bit like something I’d cause by being there.  I know I’m being dramatic, but it does seem to follow me around sometimes.   It was nice to be closer to Christ at least.

Salt Lake City is a strange place.  I’ll tell you about it sometime.

I’m so glad to have a blog.  I hope someday someone reads it.

Boyfriend is banging away, working on something.  He’s always working on something.  He’s so industrious.

I’m just me.

Confession: I feel fat all day.

What does it feel like to be in your body?  

For me: I feel fat pretty much all the time.  I think about how I must look to people.  I worry what my butt looks like.  I don’t look in the mirror when passing it to see how great I look.  I look to see if I’m acceptable in the slightest.  

I wonder if everyone feels this way.  Do ballerinas feel this way?  Does it feel good to be in their GOOD LOOKING bodies?  If a body looks good, it must feel good. 

 

Eating disorders aren’t about looking good.  They are about feeling good.  
People should think about this before they say “You aren’t fat.  You look great.” 

As soothing as a cup of tea

I have a few things to say.

First of all, opinions are valid.  Period.  No matter if you are right or wrong, you should have a right to be heard.

Crying and carrying on make it very hard to think.  But once that stuff gets going, it’s hard to get self control and stop.  Why is it okay to be angry but not to cry?  Why are some opinions okay to express and others not?

When Christ returns, everything will be made well.  Every valley will be exalted, and every mountain be made low.  That’s a lovely thought.  All will be healed.

All is healed, all is heath.

No more of this crying and carrying on.  Such a lovely hope.

A few things:
Some people are broken because they got married and it didn’t work out.  Some were cheated on.  Some spouses declared they were gay then left.  Some turned inward and grew neglectful.  Some were abusive.  But it broke.  Things fell apart.  The world is so full of broken people.  I’m no less broken, just because I’m not married…have never been married.  I have no kids.  I have nothing to be officially “broken” about.  But my heart feels like it’s just as much of a shambles as anyone who has been through this.  I don’t think I could handle a broken marriage.  So I don’t think I’ll ever get married.  I’m not sure I have enough faith to get through it.  I’m sure that makes me a weak little wallflower type person, but I don’t think I could handle it.  I hope that I love Jesus enough to carry me through.

I do think that I need to learn to self-soothe better.  I think I *have* gotten better at this.  I’m not ranting.  I’m not doing anything.  I’m not angry and screaming and cursing.  I’m typing.  We can type while tears roll down our faces.  There are parts of me I LONG to share with someone.  But it’s just too darn dangerous.

My heart is too fragile.

I don’t want it to break and cut anyone.

Now is the time to discover the deep love of Christ.

NightCometh on Xanga

So, darlings…

This is my respite.  I’m afraid that my beloved Xanga might be in its final hours.  I’ve been on that silly site since 2004, I believe.  Long time!  Almost a decade.  Here I am…just in case.

My name on there was NightCometh

What if I’m not ready for Xanga to end?